People say that when it comes to weddings, I am jaded by my first marriage. WRONG. All wrong, in fact, my hate for wedding has come post divorce. Weddings are this truly magical time where two people come together and declare to the world that they are binding themselves to the Eurocentric-white-religious version of love and commitment. It’s all very lovely; the pomp, the circumstance, the clothes, and the horny singles, it’s all great… and it’s even better at gay wedding because everyone around you is desperate to find a match. Gay weddings are the perfect hunting to ground for husbands. So, when it comes to weddings, why do I hate them so much?

Super easy.

Weddings ruin friendships. Weddings are only great if you are guests at a very well coordinated and planned wedding. Weddings are only fun if there are open bars. But, if you are actually a part of the wedding party they are exhausting, expensive, dramatic, and will most likely ruin your friendship with the bride/groom.

In the past, I have noticed that anytime I have been a groomsman or a brides”man” things just go terrible wrong, and within three months of the nuptials, I am barely speaking to the the newlyweds.

So, when my best friend in the whole universe announced he was getting married, he at least knew I was not going to be a part of this wedding. And in fact, it worked out fine. I flew to Los Angeles, drove up to the middle of no where, attended three blissful days of drinking and partying and went back home on my happy way.